“our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope”
June 20, 2009 § 2 Comments
If you know me, you know I don’t like and am not really talented in talking. If there’s anything to say, I’ll MUCH RATHER write. Other times, I’ll much rather stone. Really, stoning’s a hobby, or at least something I’m highly comfortable doing.
So during the spritual prep for the prayer warriors, in anticipation of praying with people out aloud during reconcilliation night, I was not too confident. I would much rather hide out in my little hole and let the whole thing pass me by. I was still in a spiritual desert, and thus probably one of the last people you would want to be holding your hand and praying with you. The last person would be some bad guy who probably wants to harm you. I’m maybe 2nd last.
However, it was at that point that I recalled the speaker of ‘gifts of the holy spirit’ saying that we can pray for spiritual gifts. Why not I invoke that? So out of my sheer desperation, I prayed. Really prayed. Well, considering that most of the time my conversations with God is the one-liner, ‘Where are you?’, I consider what I said to Him then to be prayer.
In the hall, there was the blessed sacrament and on the screen, a picture of the eucharist. People were singing to the words “Oh sacrament most holy, oh sacrament divine, all praise and all thanksgiving, be every moment’s thine.” I happily sang along too.
Then it happened. As I stared, there was, for a split second, a faint face appearing in the whiteness of the eucharist. Then for another split second, the shape of the cross appeared. I was surprised. I looked harder, but could not see anything anymore. I didn’t get goosebumps then. I was just happy to be ‘feeling’ Jesus and didn’t think too much of it. It is only now that it hits me that Jesus is really present in the eucharist. It is not merely a symbol. I would say all along I did believe that it was really Jesus in the Eucharist, but it was more of mind than heart.
Still, it was not like ‘woo! praise the Lord! I can do everything now!’ Although I was calm then, the human part in me would still rather run away from what I had to do. Praying over is a big step for me. I told God that I would much rather hide in my little hole, but that if someone really needed me and only me to pray with him/her, then please please give him/her the courage to come. And give me your strength so I can pray with him/her.
During the praying with/over itself, I was not scared nor unconfident. Instead I was filled with the love of God for each and every one of the people who came to us. I’m surprised with this courage, but now recall the verse we once came across during CG:
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
The prayers in my head quickly turned into words flowing smoothly out of my mouth for the first person I prayed with. Thereafter, the spirit seemed to come in ebbs and flows. Sometimes I would be thinking more along the lines of how uncomfortable holding the person’s hand is, especially if there was a difference in knee height (since the knee is the thing one rests her hands upon). Other times though, I concentrated hard and the words came smoothly out.
My calmness didn’t last long, later, when reality and the faults of humans came crashing down again, I got lost abit. But I cannot deny that that night, it was the holy spirit working within me. If my world shall still be winter thereafter, my heart will be warmed with the sweet memory of His appearance in the eucharist and His holy spirit working within.
“In Like A Lion (Always Winter)”
It’s always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can’t be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope
It’s always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky
When February rolls around I’ll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side
It’d be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things
The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I’d go outside and I’d squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw
And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days
Cause when it’s always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you’re not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope