neither do I condemn you
March 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
Ever since I came back from Vancouver I’ve been feeling this bout of negativity and loneliness. I did have a God-experience back there, but I ruined my momentum by not praying or going to church in the last 2 weeks in which I travelled beyond Vancouver. Even so, I remembered that I made a commitment to share God with others back there, because He had given me so much, and as such I wanted to make myself available to the community by interning as a CGL.
I personally feel I have failed terribly in this. It’s not that I haven’t been executing my duties. It is that I haven’t been performing many of my duties by consciously relying on His strength and with His love in my heart. As such, some of my actions that I thought were good haven’t borne fruit. Also, I have been having negative thoughts about people. I have cringed at the thought of interacting with some of them.
I now realise how horrible I am. How big the beam is in own eye, yet I focus on the dust in my brother’s eye. This is such a depressing thought, and I am almost despairing because I feel very wretched. Some of my closest friends say that I am very serene. However, my state of mind has been far from serene lately–i have let negative thoughts disturb it and feelings of horrible-ness.
As such, today’s reading was very comforting. I totally identified with the adulterous woman, and I am glad that Jesus’s response to her was not of condemnation but of compassion.
2 But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. 3 Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. 4 They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. 5 Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. 2 So what do you say?” 6 They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. 3 7 But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. 10 Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, from now on do not sin any more.”
I remember a few weeks ago when I read a chapter touching on this passage in Life of Christ, I could feel myself falling in love with Jesus because He was our Lord and yet so humble and compassionate. But then I busied myself with frivolous things and my adulterous heart forgot about Him a while after.
Today I returned once more in a state of wretchedness. And today He redeems me. As I stood staring at verses 10 and 11 on the screen at mass, imagining myself as the adulterous woman talking to Jesus, I noticed beside the screen, Jesus condemned on the cross. He says He doesn’t condemn me, yet I have condemned Him again and again by my sins. I leave you with these words from my book, Life of Christ:
“But why would He not condemn her?
Because He would be condemned for her.”