look within

April 25, 2010 § 1 Comment

Having consciously avoided being too reflective, for what seems to be quite a long time, a sense of emptiness and lack of sense of self has descended upon me. When I disengage myself from myself, which is simply too easy since I’ve almost forgotten who I am, I look at her and see impenetrability, and a free being more like a feather than a deeply rooted plant.

Why I am this way I do not know, but I wasn’t always so. Is it jadedness? Is is due to the realisation that life always changes and the things I try to hold on to eventually fade away? Still, I don’t want to be a feather, who touches and goes as she wills. I want to be a deeply rooted plant, with the strength to love and live deeply because my roots extend to the streams of life. I think, I want to go back being the child who trusts the world is really immersed in a kind of good and wonderful magic.

Jeremiah 17

The Deceitful Heart

1 The sin of Judah is written down with an iron stylus;  With a diamond point it is engraved upon the tablet of their heart  And on the horns of their altars,
2 As they remember their children,  So they remember their altars and their Asherim  By green trees on the high hills.
3 O mountain of Mine in the countryside,  I will give over your wealth and all your treasures for booty,  Your high places for sin throughout your borders.
4 And you will, even of yourself, let go of your inheritance  That I gave you;  And I will make you serve your enemies  In the land which you do not know;  For you have kindled a fire in My anger  Which will burn forever.
5 Thus says the LORD,  “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind  And makes flesh his strength,  And whose heart turns away from the LORD.
“For he will be like a bush in the desert  And will not see when prosperity comes,  But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness,  A land of salt without inhabitant.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD  And whose trust is the LORD.
“For he will be like a tree planted by the water,  That extends its roots by a stream  And will not fear when the heat comes;  But its leaves will be green,  And it will not be anxious in a year of drought  Nor cease to yield fruit.
9 “The heart is more deceitful than all else  And is desperately sick;  Who can understand it?
10 “I, the LORD, search the heart,  I test the mind,  Even to give to each man according to his ways,  According to the results of his deeds.
11 “As a partridge that hatches eggs which it has not laid,  So is he who makes a fortune, but unjustly;  In the midst of his days it will forsake him,  And in the end he will be a fool.”
12 A glorious throne on high from the beginning  Is the place of our sanctuary.
13 O LORD, the hope of Israel,  All who forsake You will be put to shame.  Those who turn away on earth will be written down,  Because they have forsaken the fountain of living water, even the LORD.
14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;  Save me and I will be saved,  For You are my praise.
15 Look, they keep saying to me,  “Where is the word of the LORD?  Let it come now!”
16 But as for me, I have not hurried away from being a shepherd after You,  Nor have I longed for the woeful day;  You Yourself know that the utterance of my lips  Was in Your presence.
17 Do not be a terror to me;  You are my refuge in the day of disaster.
18 Let those who persecute me be put to shame, but as for me, let me not be put to shame;  Let them be dismayed, but let me not be dismayed.  Bring on them a day of disaster,  And crush them with twofold destruction!


§ One Response to look within

  • ydoublog says:

    Dear renebeams:

    My name is Leora Trub and I am a student in the Clinical Psychology Ph.D. Program at The Graduate Center of the City University of New York (CUNY). I am conducting a study of the reasons that people blog and what benefits it brings, which at this point are still largely unexplored in research studies. I am therefore reaching out to you as a blogger who can help deepen our understanding of this phenomenon. I believe that your voice is an important one to be heard and hope you will enjoy participating in the study. I have developed an online questionnaire that asks about specific aspects of blogging as well as asking about feelings about yourself and others in your life. The survey is a mix of numerical scales and opportunities to reflect in an open-ended format about the role of blogging in your life, and how it has changed over time.

    You are eligible to participate if you are at least 21 years of age and have been maintaining an English-language personal blog for at least six months that you update or visit at least twice a week (on average). Your participation involves completing a confidential online questionnaire. The data will be downloaded onto a secure server to which only I have access. No identifying information, such as your names or address, will be collected. If you desire, you may choose not to share your blog name, in which case I will not access your blog for any reason after this point. If you do share your blog name, it will NOT be connected to your responses in the survey. Additionally, you will be given the opportunity to be identified by a code name in research reports and to have your blog description changed slightly so it cannot be identified.

    The survey takes approximately 45 minutes to complete and participation is completely voluntary. Three participants who complete the survey will be randomly selected by a lottery to receive a $75 cash prize.

    There are no foreseeable risks to participation in the study. Although some of the questions are personal in nature, participation in the study provides an opportunity to think about the role that your blog plays in your life.

    If you have any questions about this research, you can contact me at (732) 407-7928 or ltrub@gc.cuny.edu, or my advisors Dr. Arietta Slade at (212) 650-5658 or arietta.slade@gmail.com and Dr. Tracey Revenson at (212) 817-8709 or trevenson@gc.cuny.edu.

    The study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of the Graduate School of the City University of New York and meets of their guidelines as well as all state and federal guidelines for research with human participants. If you have any concerns about the project at any time, you can contact Ms. Kay Powell, Institutional Review Board at the Graduate School of the City University of New York (212) 817-7525 or kpowell@gc.cuny.edu.

    In order to participate in this study, I need to send you an invitation through survey monkey. If you are interested, please send an email to ltrub@gc.cuny.edu from the email address to which you would like the invitation sent. I hope that you will decide to participate and also that you will share it with others if you decide you would like to. Please feel free to contact me with any questions.


    Leora Trub, M.A.
    Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology
    Graduate School of the City University of New York
    365 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10016-4309

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