Walking away

May 8, 2011 § Leave a comment

It's done, the exams are over. 

I know I haven’t done my best. I know that I did put in effort despite the nagging feeling that it’ll be very difficult to pull up my CAP. I wonder if it will be enough.

But anyhow, I don’t think I’ll regret it. I keep telling myself, it’s over, time to move on. This applies not only to exams, but to my university life, to CSS. And I’ve been saying the same thing to myself since year 3, or the beginning of year 4. Would “preparing to leave” describe me? Maybe. On the last day, as I walked out of school, I wondered if I will miss this place. But looking around, the place…the place was just a place. I did not associate any particular place with a special memory. If there were memories, they seemed so long ago. I don’t get the “it’s almost as if it’s just yesterday” feeling.

I’m walking away. I’m walking away from stagnant relationships. I’m walking away from studying a subject I do not care about. I’m walking away from the liminality of university life where I hardly feel I know who I am and what I’m supposed to do.

In today’s reading, the disciples were walking away from Jerusalem to Emmaus. This is no biggie, except for the fact that Jesus had told them to stay in Jerusalem.

The priest’s homily was particularly striking. Their walking away had a deeper meaning.

They were walking away from community, they were downcast and had given up hope. They had put their trust in Jesus, but now the man was dead. Or so they thought. They probably wanted to move on, lead their own lives, look out for themselves. They insulted the stranger whom they met along the way for his ignorance of what has been going on in Jerusalem. They were bitter, practical. It’s over, time to move on. (Gosh, that sounds like me.)

Then as they walked with this stranger, their hearts burnt. And then He broke bread. And they recognised Him. And maybe they were reminded that they were meant to be like the bread, blessed and broken, given and shared.

You know what is comforting? Not the reminder to be bread definitely, though yes, I know I have forgotten and should work on that. What is comforting is that Jesus took the initiative to appear to them, men who, for all the time spent with him, seeing him walk over the sea and healing the sick, should probably have more faith that Jesus’s death is not the end. Such is His love and patience.

It gives me hope, especially since I think I am just like these disciples.

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