June 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
Most people in the world are unloved.
I didn’t say that, Fulton Sheen did.
It’s so sobering. But I think it’s true. I’ve been thinking about that for the past few days, and coming across this, just reinforces the lack of love I believe to be in the world. It makes me wither inside, but when I look inside, I find the very seeds of the state of the world.
Loving can be difficult for me. I only love when I believe it is safe to love, and that means I only love when I’m convinced the other person loves me. Then it is safe, because though people who love you may hurt you, but they won’t abandon you. At least, if they can help it. Now, if everyone is like me, then the world is pretty much without love. I carry the seed of the state of the world.
But I wasn’t always like that. While digging through my old box, I came across my old diaries and the transition is clear. As a child, I was happy, I had big dreams, a fantasy world in my head and best friends. Loving was easy. I even liked people instantly. Then came the angsty years. The transition years when it was time to move on and with that, I realised that there was no such thing as best friends forever. Give it a few more transitions, and you have a teenager brinking upon indifference. It didn’t help that in those years, I didn’t have the assurance of a God who loved me. My goodness, I don’t think I even mentioned God in those diaries.
I don’t think I want to be this way. There’re a whole list of people to blame, but that is only counterproductive and destructive. The seeds for the destruction of the world lies within me, but it also lies within others, and they were so because of others, who were so because of others. And the list goes on. It is our heritage. That is what helps me to forgive –the thought that maybe people don’t want to hurt others, but do because they were hurt as well.
What to do? I can count with my hands the people I love. The solution, of course, is clear. More God, less of us. Humans will self-destruct. Each one of us needs to love for God’s sake, to love even when one anticipates pain. That means dying, and it seems the whole of me wants to turn back on that, which ironically, is the ONLY solution. The seed of destruction acting out again.